Fleas, Please

If your dog has fleas, and you shoot your dog, do the fleas go away?

What if you just shoot your dog in the leg? Do the fleas say, "Whoa, we don't need this crap" and pack up and leave? I’ll give them the suitcases. They can keep the frequent jumper miles. I’ve tried everything else. I’m pretty much down to shooting the dog.

I love my dog. Seriously. I just un-love the fleas more. I think they must be mutant fleas. I looked really close, and one of them was carrying a sign that read, “You can’t touch this.”

I’d love to strangle their necks. Do fleas have necks? How would you go about strangling them if they do? Tweezers? Maybe, but I’d probably poke out their eyes by accident. I can see it now, sued by a flea for reckless endangerment. It’s kind of like if someone breaks into your home and you kill him or her, you’re all good. On the other hand, if you only maim them, you’d better have good insurance. Can I buy flea-maiming insurance? Where would I find it? E-bay?

At one point I know I killed every last flea having a fiesta courtesy of my dog. Unfortunately, their relatives have taken up residence in some unknown quarter of my home and keep hopping up on him as he walks past. I’m not sure where to turn next. I sprayed the beds and the furniture and the floors to the point that my tongue went numb. I heard them laughing as I gagged. One of them yelled, (in a teeny weenie voice) “We’re coming to get you”. I think they meant it. I’m a little scared. They keep hopping up and down on my dog shouting something about spoils to the victor.

This is a never-ending battle against an enemy of infinite proportions. Please don’t tell me you know how to get rid of them. I know you THINK you do. You don’t. Not these guys. These guys are out for blood.

I’ve used flea medicine on their necks, bathed (in flea shampoo and in garlic- I gave the dog a bath too), sprayed the furniture and floors (I’ve said this already, but since my tongue is still numb, it bears repeating), sprayed the yard, ripped out carpet, washed and rewashed and rerewashed blankets and bedding, and even thrown out certain questionable stuffed animals. (Don’t tell my kid) Nope, nothing doing. Here they come.

I think they’ve got a theme song. If I’m very quiet I can hear a chorus of

Flea

Flea fly

Flea fly flow

Feasta Cooma lotta cooma lotta cooma lotta feasta

Oh no, no, no, na feasta

Esca meany sala meany Oh-ah do ah-la meany

Esca meany sala meany Oh-ah do ah

With an epp bidily oatin doatin bo-dope skid eatin dats a what I can chew

The pathetic thing is I’m now quietly singing along, and tapping my foot. Ok, there’s a little foot shuffle and hip movement as well.

Can you see why the question of shooting the dog has become such an important one? I'm beginning to think my dog is on board with the idea; he just brought me a loaded Colt 45 and stuck out his paw.

Wish us luck.